CANBACE solves my childFREE or childLESS dilemma

“I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it!” These lyrics from the Pointer Sisters could have been written for me. I’ve been singing them over and over again for the last couple of weeks and I KNOW that I’ll be singing them more over the next few weeks, possibly even months. Why? Well it’s all because Andrew and I have had made a momentous shift in our lives. We are no longer struggling to accept the unacceptable. We aren’t planning our Plan B and then procrastinating about how to put that plan into action. No. Every day, since the 10^th June, we have been waking up excited about the new day because we are Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence

Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence isn’t easy

It’s taken me/us a while to get to this place. Whilst I want this blog to be as positive as possible I’m going to be honest enough to admit that saying “accepting the unacceptable is an uphill struggle” is the understatement of the century. Yes, there have been good days, unfortunately there have also been far more bad days. So many that I dread to put a number on them. Sometimes the bad days were so bad that every minute of every hour was excruciatingly painful. There were days when I thought “will this never end?” and “how will we get through this?” Then a minor miracle happens and one day you wake up and think “I’ve turned a corner. Life is a little better than it was yesterday, and I have a hope, based on more than simply blind faith, that tomorrow could be even better still.”

Yet a part of that progress is still marred by the fact that there is no positive term to describe our situation. Even as we heal we find ourselves still in the middle of the dilemma. Do we continue to use “childLESS” and deal with all the negative connotations of that word? Negativity which could dampen our relief that we are creating a new, beautiful and courageous existence. Or do we switch to using “childFREE”? An act that brings its own set of conflicting emotions. Even though I KNOW that together Andrew and I are Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence using the term “childFREE” still doesn’t feel right. At worst it implies we had a choice and that we’ve been living the life we dreamed of all along. At best it suggests there was no pain involved in reaching our childFREE state or that the memory of that pain has receded so far into the past that it is no longer a part of us and should be ignored. Neither of which I feel comfortable with.

Over the years of gradual healing I’ve struggled with this dilemma and I know that I am not alone in this. I’ve heard Jody Day, of Gateway-Women, mention that “childLESS/childFREE” conundrum. I’ve talked to Stephanie Phillips, of World Childless Week, about the need to have a new word. I’ve used “childless not by choice” and called our magazine “The Childless Not By Choice Magazine” out of necessity rather than with an open heart. There has been no alternative, UNTIL NOW.

Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence comes into being

Bring you bang up to date, on the 8^th June Brandi Lytle, of Not So Mommy, and I finally had our Zoom Chat to catch up after the We Are Worthy Summit. The call had been delayed because immediately after the summit I was back in the UK. Then there was the May issue of the magazine to publish after which Brandi and her husband went on a trip to the UK. I still can’t believe that we didn’t get to meet each other in person whilst they were visiting this side of “The Pond”. However, I digress. When we finally talked, boy did we talk!

Brandi wanted to bounce an idea she’d had around with me: we’d worked really well together during the summit and she wanted to hear my thoughts about something she was planning for the future (more about this later). As we talked about her idea the old chestnut of “we need an alternative to childLESS” came up again. I promised that I would really set my mind to it this time and WOULD come up with something. As we continued to bounce ideas around Brandi mentioned a blog she’d written several months ago. She’d decided to redefine the meaning behind the letters CNBC and had come up with “Creating a New plan Bravely and Courageously”. She sent me the link (click here to read her blog) and that was it: inspiration had arrived!

Quite by chance for weeks I’d been playing around with inserting vowels into CNBC to create a word. However, the resulting words didn’t MEAN anything. Whilst I knew that “pink” or “garden” hadn’t meant “pink” or “garden” until loads of people had started to use them to mean “pink” or “garden” I had hope to find a word that made people think YES! Unfortunately, as I looked at CANABOC and CUNBEC, I knew that it would take a long time before people would REALLY connect with them or one of the other 150 different options that I had created. That was until the inspiration provided by Brandi hit and I create a mnemonic behind my newly created words.

The lightbulb inside my mind flashed a billion times as I realised not only was I Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence …. I was CANBACE!

When I shared by new word with Brandi she was thrilled. So, I asked her to write down here initial thoughts and feelings that I could share it the first Canbace blog. Here’s what she wrote:

As I read what Brandi had written I had tears in my eyes. I KNEW that if CANBACE had resonated with Brandi there was a strong possibility that it would resonate with other people too. I KNEW that we finally had a positive alternative to using the word “childLESS”. Something that had been created specifically for us in mind and not something cobbled together using the “left overs” from a world that often doesn’t understand us.

Brandi wasn’t the only person involved in this process as I also had a mammoth Zoom Chat with Sue Johnston, The Infertility Advocate,For over 2hrs we talked about CANBACE and a few other ideas that are in the pipeline for the future. What I love about Sue is that she is calm and quiet whilst being full of enthusiasm too. She’s the perfect balance to my “bouncing off the ceilings” moments. She grounds me, bringing me back down to earth by giving me honest feedback about my ideas, whilst still letting me know that her excitement in bubbling away in support.

As for Brandi’s idea that I teased you with earlier …. Well Brandi wanted my thoughts on having an Awareness Ribbon and possibly an Awareness Day for our community. I pleased to announce that there will be a “CANBACE DAY” in the spring of 2019. The date hasn’t been finalised yet: however, it’s going to be some time in April or May in the hope that it takes the “sting” out of the triggers caused by Mother’s and Father’s Day at little. Whilst I appreciate that it is not possible to Copyright an idea please respect that Brandi and I are sharing information about “CANBACE Day” very early. We trust you to respect that Brandi came up with the original concept. We welcome your thoughts, especially about awareness raising activities and collaboration opportunities.

A new word, a new awareness day to look forward to, a new positive outlook on life, new way of thinking. What a fabulous way to start the second part of the year. As my mother and her parents used to say “OH HAPPY MONTH!

Here’s to everyone’s success as they start (or continue) Creating A New, Beautiful And Courageous Existence.

In CANBACE friendship!

If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about so if you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know and I will keep your words private.