Small changes can have huge impacts

One of the biggest impact that being childless not by choice has had on my life is that the fact that I for years I felt empty and colourless. My sparkle had disappeared, and my mojo fled to the far side of the moon, perhaps never to be seen again. I felt powerless and lacked control over all aspects of my life. I had changed, and I had changed so much that the person I had become was almost unrecognisable even to me. I was a shell of my former self. Whilst I was grieving for the children I never had I was also grieving for the person that I used to be. I mourned for her demise because it had taken me a long time to become the person I was proud to be. I’d been incredibly shy as a child and through my early 20s. I’d only started to shine and make strides towards my full potential in my 30s only for it to begin crashing down around my ears in my 40s. I believed that such a huge dent had been made in my confidence that it would take a monument series of improvements to re-invent myself. I was wrong: small changes can have a huge impact.

Small changes often start with the mind

A lot has been written about positive thinking over the years so I’m not going to dwell on the benefits or how to change your mindset. What I do want to do is give an example of HOW changing my mindset had a positive impact on my life. Setting the scene: for many years Andrew and I had become virtual hermits. There could be weeks on end when we only ventured out of the house to make a visit to Mr Lidl to restock our fridge. Previously we’d had a fairly healthy social life. We would be invited to friends for lunch or supper and we would invited them to a meal “chez nous” in reciprocation. During the summer we’d get impromptu invites to a BBQ or a dip in a pool when ours was out of action. We’d also visit the “night markets” to socialise with friends and have a good old fashioned “bop”. It was harder during the winter because rural France hibernates for 5 months of the year. NOTHING HAPPENS. Rien ne se passe. No pasa nada, Ništa se ne događa. ’a’ohe mea i loa’a. Tiada apa yang berlaku. It doesn’t get any better when written in a different language although it has stretched my dyslexic writing abilities to the limits.

When I say NOTHING HAPPENS I do really mean it. Everyone closes their shutters against the cold and the rain. They stock up the fridge and “munch” their way through their wood piles. Towns and villages that MIGHT have shown signs of life as late as 9pm during the summer now become deserted at 4pm, and that’s when things are busy. Not the best environment for a couple who were suffer from the isolating effects of being childless. ALL of our friends, local and “back home”, had children and several of them had grandchild. We’d already started to drift away because the conversations and focus had become so child-centric.

Small changes can be made by hermits

So, the rot had set in, although we didn’t realise it at the time. It started gradually with us making our excuses and not accepting the occasional invitation. Then the excuses became more frequently: eventually so frequent that the invitations petered out. We didn’t receive invitations and we didn’t extend invitations to others. We had become hermits, so wrapped up in our infertility grief that we had become scared to leave our house because the outside world terrified us. There were a handful of exceptions to the situation described above and when we braved those exceptions we’d put on a brave face, grit our teeth and hope we would get through the meal without me having a panic attack. Evenings were considered a success if I made it back to the car before the tears broke free from the emotional strangle hold that had kept then in check.

This was our status quo until last summer when I decided to make some small changes to my mindset. Andrew and I made a pact: the next time we were invited out for drinks we would immediately answer with a positive and excited “YES”. There would be no glances between us in the hope of catching a glimpse of how the other person wanted to respond. A simply “Yes that would be lovely. Thank you for asking. Can we bring anything other than a bottle?” would be our aim.

Having made the decision, we didn’t have long to put these small changes to the test. A few days later a friend asked us over for drinks. After the split second of hesitation I took a deep breath and started with my planned response. The result? Eric was happy we’d accepted his invitation for once. We were happy that we had already implemented our small changes. Over the next few days Andrew and I went on to plan the “nibbles” we would take together with some “safe topics” we could discuss. Backtracking a little, one of the reasons that I hadn’t wanted to socialise was because if the conversation wasn’t about children/grandchildren it was about politics, Brexit and football or ALL THREE at once. None of which filled me with excited anticipation. To be on the safe side we planned my “get me out of here” emergency word if things got too much for me. Even small changes take some time to perfect and you have to be realistic and sensible when dealing with your own well-being.

Even small changes can cause panic

Time passed, and the day of our drinks out arrived. There was a moment of mid-afternoon when the panic started to creep in and I was tempted to phone Eric and “cry off” due to my back. However, I had been convinced that these small changes to our mindset were the start of something much bigger. So instead of bailing out I filled a bath with luxury bubbles, had a long soak of TLC, did some deep breathing and EFT to kick my nerves into touch. Finally I put on my glad rags, added a smile and headed out of the door.

Small changes can produce instant results

The result of all this? I SURVIVED. Not only did I survive I actually REALLY enjoyed myself in a social situation for the first time in years. Our small changes had an immediate positive impact that punched above its weight. I had first hand evidence that I could attend a social gathering and I could do so on my own terms. This knowledge and new-found confidence in myself allowed me to accept an invitation a few weeks later from “the witch”: however, that’s a story for another day.

In CANBACE friendship!

If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about so if you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know and I will keep your words private.