EXISTENCE can be hard without snowballs

At the end of last week’s “Existence can be hard” I left you with the thought that there are positive consequences of being caught out by the same snake twice. To keep my promise, this week I’m going to look at the fact that whilst existence can be hard resistance is futile …. once you have taken the first tentative steps along the healing process. This is because healing is like a snowball. It starts very small and it takes time to get bigger, yet it does grow. When you add another layer to the “core” it doesn’t always “stick”, yet the more you persevere the bigger the snowball gradually gets. Finally, you get the “tipping point” where you can put it on the ground and roll it down a hill. When you get to that stage there is no stopping it: your healing takes on a momentum of its own. Let me explain …

A couple of years ago I was really struggling with being childless not by choice. I had no idea that I was grieving. Both my parents and my step-father had died so I knew all about loss, right? WRONG! I didn’t realise that you could grieve for a person who had never lived. Like many people I bought the “lie” that I simply had to “get over it”. There had been no full-term pregnancy, no birth, no infant death. This was not a bereavement.

That was until a pivotal moment when, yet another, on-line pregnancy announcement completely floored me. This time it was a friend of a friend, and maybe even a friend of a friend of a friend. I had no idea who the mum-to-be was and yet the emotions threatened to overwhelm me. I’d already done eight years of weathering one announcement after another as my friends had fallen pregnant. I’d foolishly thought that once my girlfriends had reached a certain age that this particular trauma would stop. I didn’t count on random announcements by completely strangers on Facebook taking over. I realised that something had to change. I couldn’t go on like this. Emotions need to be explored and “dealt with” rather than suppressed. Stage one of my healing at started.

Once I realised I needed to grieve I made huge strides. At about the same time I joined an on-line support group (by accident rather than intent) so my first proactive step was to start engaging with the other members of the group. At first it was a “like” here and a “sad face” there. Then I stopped lurking and started to write the occasional supportive comment. I was thanked for my comments: being a qualified life coach my words tended to have some practical suggestions together with a <<hug>> rather than the <<hug>> on its own.

I then took the next step: I started some of my own discussion threads. Experiences I’d had and thoughts about changes that I wanted to see in my life. Again, the comments were well received and eventually they seeped into my subconsciousness. They bubbled away there until my subconscious poked me in the ribs one 3am and told me “You’re a WRITER Nicci ….  You MUST write a book about this”.

Having listened to my 3am intuition I started to plan a book (or was that three!) and started a blog to share my progress within the community. A community that three or four weeks beforehand I hadn’t realised existed let alone one that I would decide to join or write a book to support. Time passed, and I noticed that I wasn’t responding to pregnancy announcements in the same way. Yes, I was still upset by them. Yes, I shed a tear or several thousands. However, they didn’t send me scurrying back to my hole to lick my wounds for months. I WAS HEALING.

More time passed. By now I was well on the way to acceptance. Pregnancy announcements no longer had the power to hurt me. I’d got an active blog and a growing support group of my own. Not only was I writing my books I was also planning some on-line courses to provide extra support. I was making so much progress I was almost taking the snakes and ladders squares two at a time.

Then I hit a brick wall. A girlfriend Susan* I’ve known since we were both four years old phoned to tell me her daughter Anne* was pregnant. WHAM. I had experienced my first “WOO HOO HOOO I’m going to be a grannie” announcement.

TEASER ALERT:  As this has ended up being a mammoth blog I have decided to split it in two. However, I’m not going to leave you hanging for long. You can read the second half tomorrow.

* names have been changed

In CANBACE friendship!

If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about so if you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know and I will keep your words private.