Before I share my response to “You don’t know true love until you’ve had a child” I’d like to explore what love, and by extrapolation true love, really is.
Love is hormonal, indeed a number of hormones, (something tangible that can be measured) so as long as you are releasing the hormones or the person you “love” causes you to release those hormones then you are in love.
This situation is heightened, especially in women, where a child is involved as the nurturing instinct, which takes love into the unconditional territory, kicks in. The child/ren become the most important focus because they were physically a part of them for so long. This means the relationship that the woman has with her partner/husband can change. This is borne out by the increasing number of divorces amongst the empty nesters (divorces are dropping in other groups). Indeed, there is no correlation between failed IVF cycles and increased divorce rates (based on 2017 reports. The 2014 reports said there was an increased risk of divorce).
This means the relationship that the woman has with her partner/husband can change because of parenthood..
True Love
So now that we have worked out that love is hormonal why do parents say this comment to those that have not had children. I believe they are using the wrong analogy as we can all experience “True Love”, but is the love for your child something different? I believe it is and also isn’t. Let me explain.
If we can all experience “True Love” what is the difference between that and the love for your own child. I would say none as it is still just hormonal, although maybe notched up a level. The nurturing instinct is similar, when we get a puppy/kitten, again notched up a level or two for children. So, is it the intensity of that true love that is different when you have a child? Possibly for a woman because of the pregnancy. For a man not so much.
Going back to the empty nester divorce rates I have to surmise that perhaps they hadn’t found the true love before having children. Having been divorced from the mother of my dead child I would have to say that this is possibly a realistic supposition.
All of the above is pure conjecture and we have seen the stories of child abuse to “be the exception that proves the rule”. So obviously for some parents there isn’t the unconditional love for a child. Which leads me nicely back to the point that we can all experience true love and that having a child is not a barrier but maybe a different form of it.
Luckily, I have found true love a number of times (yes including with my son). I can move forward from not having children, because I have a true love, to create a new beautiful and courageous existence with. My true love is, Nicci, my wife.
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know. I will keep your words private.
Click the image below to read Brandi Lytle’s “Not so Helpful…You never know true love until you have a child”
Brandi Lytle
Because of your unique experiences, I always enjoy reading your perspective, Andrew. I found this post particularly thought-provoking. This line about the nurturing instinct, in particular, has got me to thinking this morning–“again notched up a level or two for children.”
For me, I am questioning whether the nurturing instinct (for some, this would be equated with “true love”) is really amplified when one has two-legged littles. For me, I truly do not think I could love anyone more than I love Maddie, our fur baby. My nurturing instincts are in high-gear with her, as I proudly say I’m an over-zealous dog mom. Now, I know many parents of two-legged kids who would say that loving a dog is not the same as loving a child. For them, perhaps not. That leads me to wonder if they have really experienced true love with their pet, however. Because, as you said, not everyone has the nurturing instinct (or true love) with their own biological children; therefore, I would say that it is certain not everyone will experience this with their puppies/kitties/pets.
A former student of mine who is now grown with her first baby told me that some people are upset that she says she has kids (plural)–her two-legged little, plus her fur babies. They think it is wrong for her to “compare” her baby with pets. I, however, disagree completely. (You probably didn’t see that coming!) I believe she is a wonderful person in that she has experienced true love several times over–with not only a human child, but with her fur babies, as well.
All of this to say that I agree with you–“… we can all experience true love and that having a child is not a barrier but maybe a different form of it.”
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts, Andrew!
Andrew Fletcher
I’m glad that this proved to be thought provoking as that was it’s intention. Nicci was a little worried that the majority of the WCW content would be from women about the emotional side of things. Whereas mine is more pragmatic (I am a man after all and don’t do emotions etc..). It would be interesting to hear what men think of it. We love our furies as well and wouldn’t be without them (although Nicci might not agree with that today after being up all night and then going down to the kitchen to find two wees even though the door was open for them to go out)