Shame is something that I have definitely felt because I have not been able to have children. Do I still feel it now that I am living a Canbace Life? Not sure about that one. I think there is a tendency for it to creep in again like an unwelcome guest. This means I have to be vigilant and kick shame into touch when it does rear it’s ugly head.
Did I feel shame in the past?
Yes, most definitely.
I felt it because my body wasn’t able to do what my body should do. Shame kicked in when I was explaining to people that I couldn’t conceive. More shame was added when I realised that I wasn’t going to give my nephew the cousins that he longed for. He was feeling the pressure of being the “last of the Fletchers” – well this branch anyway.
Did anyone make me feel shame?
If I’m completely honest, NO.
I wasn’t told that I SHOULD be having children.
No one told me that I was failing in my duty as a wife.
I decided to add shame to the myriad of other emotions. I wasn’t forced into it and shame wasn’t piled onto me.
I don’t blame myself for this because I am only human.
Now that I am aware of what I am doing I can prevent it happening in the future. I can also share this insight with you, in the hope it helps you avoid the same pitfall and misery.
So how will I avoid feeling unnecessary shame in the future?
Don’t’ let shame hide in the dark
Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, describes shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love or belonging”. If this is the case, no wonder we hide the things that we feel shame about from others. If we hide our shame no one else will know about it. When our shame is a secret there is less risk of other people finding out about our flaws?
Unfortunately, when we bury shame its power over us grows. It is like mushrooms multiplying in the dark and dank recesses of our mind. Shame needs the light to keep it in check. It needs the perspective in order to cut it down to size, and hopefully eradicate it totally.
When we are gripped by shame though, it is hard for us to look at a situation from a balanced point of view. We need to talk to people how we trust to love us even though they know that we are not perfect. When we talk to them AND when they tell us that we have no reason to feel shame we need to TRUST them.
Acknowledging our shame allows us to confront it. In the light it can no longer fester or define us. Brené Brown explains it this way … “When we bury the story, we forever stay the subject of the story. If we own the story we get to narrate the ending”
I’m also going to remember that …
Shame and guilt are not the same
We need to get clear on the difference between shame and guilt. It’s easy to get confused between the two. Especially when we are feeling overwhelmed by our emotions. The easiest way to remember is that guilt means “I did something bad” whilst shame means “I am bad”.
Believing that I AM bad suggests that I don’t see any way of changing for the better. That I am a hopeless case. I am doomed.
Whilst I am not living the life that I had originally dreamed of, now that I am living a Canbace Life I don’t see myself as doomed for ever.
In that case do I (or should that be did I) feel guilt or shame about being childless not by choice?
Hopefully neither!
Yet sometimes that feels like a question that has no answer. All I do is go around and around in circles never finding an exit.
Do I feel guilty that I couldn’t give Andrew that children we both wanted?
Yes.
Did I do something wrong which meant that I couldn’t have children?
No.
I didn’t go out of my way to contract Endometriosis.
Whilst I do feel guilty there is no foundation for that guilt. I am blameless. I need to remember that.
Do I feel shame that I couldn’t give Andrew the children we both wanted?
Yes, because I am the one who is infertile.
Therefore, in my darkest hours I believed it to be MY fault and I was ashamed of that.
Unravelling the emotions
Was it my fault?
No – see my reasons for not having anything to be guilty about above.
Did Andrew make me feel shame that my body wasn’t working properly?
No.
If I unravel my feelings to that extend I can see that I don’t feel shame about being childless. I also have no grounds for feeling guilty about being childless.
So, when strangers ask me if I have children and I cringe, what I am actually feeling?
If it’s not guilt and it’s not shame what is it?
Perhaps embarrassment, perhaps jealousy, perhaps resentment. All very powerful and potentially damaging negative emotions if not kept in check.
However, I will no longer feel guilt or shame about my situation and that is progress!
I will be sharing more ideas on how to deal with shame in a future blog. If you missed my blog on Creating a Happy Mojo you can read it here
You can read more ideas on how to move forward and ditch the shame here
Be kind to yourself …
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about. If you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website, please let me know. I will keep your words private.
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