Existence can be hard. Isn’t that the understatement of the century especially when you are attempting to accept the unacceptable? If healing was easy we would all have come to terms with our situation years ago. We would have listened to the first insensitive comment about “children are not all they are cracked up to be” and thought “Well that’s OK then. I dodged a bullet and can get on with my life, happily ever after. Unfortunately for us the reality is not that simple. Accepting the unacceptable nature of our situation takes a huge amount of patient, hard work and self-care. All of which is made harder by the continued insensitive comments and idiotic advice that some believe it is their right to give us.
Existence can be hard when progress is slow
When we think about progress we think about a linear process: each step we take is an obvious step in the right direction. This idea of a linear process is reinforced if we look at the traditional grief curve. You start off with “shock” then move on to “denial” which leads into “frustration” before developing into “Depression” as we hit the rock bottom of the Kübler-Ross curve. From there the only way is up as we start to “experiment” with new ideas (or ways of living) before making a “decision” about what is most appropriate to us. Once that decision has been made …. WHOPPIE we are there, we have reached Acceptance (of our unacceptable situation). WOW wasn’t that straight forward, uncomplicated and really rather neat!
Unfortunately, this is not the reality for most people as they are forced to face an imposition dilemma. Do we continue as we are, overwhelmed by our grief or do we start to redefine our dreams and contemplate a meaningful life that doesn’t include the children we dreamed of raising? When we look at the stark reality of what we need to do is it any wonder that progress is slow on occasions? Should it be a surprise that sometimes we seem to be taking more steps backwards than we are taking forward? We need a grief curve that reflects the complex nature of our situation, one that indicates that going backwards is actually taking the scenic route to our final destination rather than a permanent backwards step. What I call the “loopy grief curve” goes some way to illustrate this: however, for the ease of reading, and understanding, the curve there is only one loop per stage, which is contained “within” that stage. Again, this doesn’t reflect reality. There have been many times when I though I was well on the way to acceptance when I was hit by a wobble that would have measured 9 on the Richter Scale and suddenly found myself well and truly immersed in DENIAL.
Existence can be hard when progress is uphill
One of the images that I’ve started to use for CANBACE is that of a rock climber. Whilst I am not afraid of heights I do struggle climbing because I have chondromalacia patella in both knees which means my cartilage is badly formed, my knees are weak and frequently painful. I struggle to kneel for a few seconds let alone minutes. Rock-climbing or mountaineering would be a step too far even for my new positive Canbace outlook. That being said, I would love to stand on the top of Everest and sing “I’m on top of world looking down on creation ….” As loudly as my oxygen starves lungs could cope with! Perhaps this is why I often use climbing Everest to illustrated my theory about progress.
If you were to ask someone who had climbed Everest they may well go into details about the huge amount of preparation involved: physical and mental training, logistics of organising equipment, supplies, personnel, risk assessments, funding, contingency planning, timing and the all-important survival kit. All this before anyone steps onto the mountain. Once a decision has been made regarding which route to follow everyone will know the basic “path” they will take together with key milestones: basecamp, Camp 1, Camp 2, Camp 3, Camp 4 then the last push through the “death zone” to the summit. As a climber reaches the next milestone they know that they are still going in the right direction and making progress towards the summit. However, whilst they are actually climbing they measure changes.
Whilst climbing they will focus firmly on the next milestone (the big steps) they need to reach to ensure that they don’t deviate from the basic root and get lost. However, their main focus will be on the next small step they need to take. This is their most important step. The one that needs to be taken safely. The one that will take them one step closer to the milestones and ultimately to the summit. Once they have taken that step they don’t get distracted about how far they have come or how far they still have to go. Their next focus is their next small step. Whether you are climbing Everest or creating a new, beautiful and courageous existence, you measure progress in the same way. It’s achieved one small step at a time!
Over the coming weeks I will examine progress, together with items that you can pack in your personal survival kit, because whilst existence can be hard as you embrace your new canbace lifestyle the rewards at the end are huge.
In CANBACE friendship!
If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about so if you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know and I will keep your words private.
Leave a Reply