Existence can be hard when you step on the snakes

As I mentioned in a previous Existence can be hard post, progress isn’t linear. Many people describe the grief that surrounds infertility or being childless not by choice as a roller-coaster of emotions which is an accurate description. Yet it still doesn’t tell the whole story. You see even roller-coasters become predictable. If you go around and around enough times you begin to know where the ups and downs are. You can look forward to the anticipation of the steady climb of progress whilst having the opportunity to prepare yourself for the sudden downward rush. The more you repeat the circuit the more familiar it becomes. If processing our grief is not linear like the traditional grief curves and is only like an emotional roller-coaster in parts what is it like?

Existence can be hard if there are snakes and ladders

As well as being linear I think the traditional grief curve is too two-dimensional. There is either backwards or forwards. It is also too static. This is the “shock” phase and this is when the “bargaining” phase takes place. Working through our grief is far more fluid and for me progress has been more like an impossible game of “Snakes and Ladders”. There are still the standard elements of squares that you navigate along: that’s our path towards the ultimate goal of acceptance. There are the very welcome “ladders” which are the wonderful, and often unexpected, surges of progress you make when you realise that you didn’t cry for weeks when you found out that your best friend was pregnant (yet again?). The longer “ladders” represent huge strides forwards, whilst the shorter “ladders” indicate minor, yet still important improvements that should still be celebrated.

What’s left? Ah those sneaky “snakes” that creep up on you and send you spiralling down to a pit of despair without any forewarning. Very sneaky and downright inconsiderate of them. There you were browsing what you thought was a trigger free shop and then a piece of music comes through the PA system and you’ve got tears streaming down your face. Wouldn’t it be great if those snakes weren’t as sneaky and couldn’t spring such grief ridden surprises on us? Wouldn’t it be great if a snake remained where it was and didn’t have the ability to move so it could lay in wait for us in a different place along our path towards acceptance. Well if the snakes behaved like that this wouldn’t be an impossible game of “Snakes and Ladders” it would be the normal and predictable variety. My apologies is you suffer from Ophidiophobia!

Existence can be hard if the “rules” keep changing

Unfortunately, the “Snakes and Ladders” that we hurry pass as we seek acceptance have all been taken over by the magic of Harry Potter et al. Whilst the squares that mark the route of our path to acceptance remain static, the snakes (and the ladders too) behave like the main staircase in Hogwarts: they MOVE! Which means you are moving along the path, reasonably happy with your progress. You slow down slightly because you know that the last time you reached this “square” you went hurtling down a snake. You take it even slower because you think the snake is hiding: surely last time around it was on the next square and yet you can’t see it. You’ve reached the point of where the snake should have been, yet it’s gone. What triggered your wobble last time didn’t trigger you this time around. You take another step forward and then another, gaining confidence as you go. Then you see the bottom step of a ladder appearing in the distance. YES, you are about to make a stride forward. Unfortunately, you are focusing so much on the progress that awaits a little way ahead that you fail to see that the snake you had been worried about is now lying in wait for you, lurking in the corners of the next step.

In next week’s Existence can be hard I’m going to look at the consequence of being caught out by the same snake twice, and you’ll be glad to hear that it’s good news. There is a lot of hope to be gained from the experience if you are able to recognise it.

In CANBACE friendship!

If anything I have written resonates I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I appreciate that this can be a difficult subject to speak openly about so if you don’t want me to publish your comment on the website please let me know and I will keep your words private.